Reacting and responding are similar words, but they mean subtly different things. If we have an infection, we hope that our body responds to the antibiotic rather than reacts to it. Like a carpenter working with the grain, rather than against it, mindfulness is about working skilfully with our present-moment experience. This means creating the mental and emotional space to respond skilfully to whatever arises, rather than reacting automatically, which can often make a difficult situation worse, or add friction to our relationships with others.
Like the saying, “knee-jerk reaction”, when we’re stressed or agitated, we often react without examining the facts, before we know what actually happened. At times of stress, we can switch into fight-or-flight mode, which limits our inner resources. So, we lose the ability to think clearly, properly assess a situation, and review options.
Of course, there are times when physically reacting fast can be useful and even save our lives, for instance, when we hit the brake as a car suddenly swerves into our lane. This type of reaction is driven by the brainstem, which keeps us alive but is not the sort of reaction we’re talking about here.
When we react, there is no pause between the event and the reaction, no space to reflect, and no flexibility or choice. Viktor Frankl, the neurologist, psychiatrist, author, and Holocaust survivor said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies the freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and happiness”.
We are much better able to respond when we are in the right mental and emotional state. This is about being in a calm, balanced, and alert state, where we have the internal capacity to assess a situation, review options, and select the most appropriate response.
As humans, we can automatically react to events and people in our environment, as well as thoughts and feelings that arise within us. For example, we may have a sudden thought that we have lost something important, like our passport at the airport, and find ourselves reacting in a panic. Rather than enter full reactive mode, we can acknowledge what happened and calm ourselves down by bringing our attention to our breath and body for a few moments, and then consider the best options for resolving the situation.
Here are some tips on responding rather than reacting:
- How you respond is something you control; reacting is something that controls you
- Try not to personalise; the event or situation might have occurred whether you existed or not
- Realize that there are always choices and options
- Pause and take an aware breath. For instance, when your phone rings, let it ring three times while you bring yourself into the moment
- Practise allowing and accepting, working with the grain, without avoiding or resisting what arises in your experience
- When you do find yourself reacting, as we all do at some point, try to really observe what happened and see if this provides insights and ideas on what you could have done differently
- Ask yourself, “Am I reacting? “
- Responding blends bottom-up emotion and top-down thinking. A skilful response is informed by our knowledge and experience of the situation but also includes the awareness of our own and other people’s emotions
By practising mindfulness, we learn to become more aware of our internal states, which allows us to shift from the limitations of an agitated, restless state into one that’s more expansive, calm, open, and alert. This creates the space for responding skilfully to whatever arises in our experience, which, as Viktor Frankl said, leads to growth and happiness.
Suggested weekly practice
- Explore when you tend to react automatically. Is this with particular people? Is it an old unconscious habit?
- See if you can start the day feeling peaceful, calm, and relaxed. Then use this state as a reference to return to when you feel the impulse to react.
- If you find yourself reacting, bring kindness to yourself and others, and learn from the experience.
Guidance
Find somewhere undisturbed and sit in a comfortable, dignified, and upright posture, where you can remain alert and aware.
There are two guided practices for this session. You can close your eyes, or lower your gaze while the meditations play.
- Play the settling practice, then read through the session content, which you can print off if that helps
- Then play the second audio to explore reacting and responding, as well as experiencing a calm, open, and alert state to respond skilfully to your experience.
