Imagine that you’re a parent whose daughter comes home from school to say that she’s failed her Maths exam. You turn to her and say, “I told you before that you’re a complete failure. I always knew that you were inadequate and worthless”. Maybe that sounds a little harsh. But our own critical self-talk can sometimes sound just like this. We can find ourselves saying things to ourselves that we would never say to someone else – even our worst enemy.
When you observe your negative thoughts, you may well hear something like a running commentary, as if someone who dislikes you is looking over your shoulder, continually making critical comparisons and judgements. When we identify with negative thoughts, it erodes our self-esteem and self-worth.
As we develop, we learn to promote and protect our self-esteem. Having high self-esteem is seen as healthy in Western cultures. While having low self-esteem can cause difficulties, there are also issues with having high self-esteem. Self-esteem is the subjective evaluation of our self-worth compared to others.
Interestingly, Psychologists found a cognitive bias that’s called illusory superiority, or the above-average effect, where people consistently rate themselves as higher than average, which cannot always be the case. The hidden cost of enhancing our self-esteem is that it sometimes depends on feeling better than others – so we can feel good about ourselves. This could be that we consider ourselves better educated, more attractive, more successful, or have a more senior role at work. Deriving a sense of self-esteem that’s based on self-evaluation is always transitory and ultimately unsatisfying. For instance, we all get older and our appearance changes, or a neighbour may buy a new car that’s better than our own.
So, is there a better way of supporting a positive sense of who we are without the negative evaluations of ourselves in comparison to others?
Part of the answer is to practise self-compassion. All of us know what it is to feel compassion and understanding for others. Feeling compassion is not dependent on any characteristics like being attractive, rich, or clever. Of course, compassion can be amplified and easier to experience when we see others in extreme situations, like an injured child in a warzone for instance, but this is not about feeling better than they are, so we feel good about ourselves. Self-compassion is about bringing these feelings and attitudes to yourself. It’s about befriending and treating yourself with the same unconditional kindness and care as you would for other people.
As well as habitual negative thoughts, we can also experience emotional patterns from the past that reduce our self-worth. You may find yourself in a situation that resonates with some past vulnerability, maybe from your childhood. For instance, this could be the isolating social anxiety that you experienced as a child attending a new school, but this time at a party where there are not many people you know. As an adult with awareness and emotional intelligence, you can notice the drop in self-worth and refocus your energy outwards towards others, while at the same time bringing self-compassion and care to the vulnerable child within that is part of your life’s experience.
Self-compassion is about accepting ourselves just as we are, our weaknesses as well as our strengths. After all, we’re only human. Sometimes at low points, we think we’re the only ones to experience loss, make mistakes, and feel inadequate, and vulnerable. The fact is that these thoughts and feelings are common to the whole shared experience of humanity throughout history and geography.
Self-compassion is also about being aware and mindful – seeing life as it unfolds; noticing patterns of thought and behaviour that no longer serve us well and bringing acceptance, kindness, and care to ourselves. So next time you find yourself feeling inadequate, that “something is wrong with me”, let go of any comparisons and judgements and practise self-compassion and see what difference that makes.
Suggested weekly practice
- When you notice your inner critic, use curiosity to hear the tone of voice, the words that are used, and how familiar the voice seems, to gain insight and awareness of how you sometimes talk to yourself.
- Respond to your inner critic with care and kindness in the same way that you may do with a good friend or child who was reacting negatively to a difficulty.
- Many of us spend a lot of time caring for others. Make sure you give time for yourself some special time to meet your own needs during the week and do something that you enjoy, like catching up with a friend, watching a film, or attending a yoga class.
Guided practice
Find somewhere undisturbed and sit in a comfortable, dignified, and upright posture, where you can remain alert and aware. There are two guided practices for this session. You can close your eyes, or lower your gaze while the meditations play.
- Play the settling practice, then read the session content, which you can print off if that helps
- Then play the second audio to explore self-compassion