For all our faults, there are many stories of groups and individuals offering kindness and compassion to others. The recent extreme weather that brought flooding in South Wales has seen many acts of kindness within the community, from electricians volunteering to restore power to people making sandbags and flooring specialists relaying damaged floors for free.
Kindness and compassion towards others and ourselves are important parts of mindfulness practice. Our daily lives are not always full of joy and harmony; we sometimes experience unpleasant, difficult, and unwanted experiences. The unconscious, habitual way we deal with difficulty is to avoid or resist what we experience. We can reverse this by moving towards the unpleasant and difficult with openness, care, and compassion.
A newborn gazelle will be on its feet within moments of bonding with its mother. In contrast, a human baby is one of the most helpless creatures to be born in nature. So, we begin life as a very vulnerable baby, develop through the challenges of childhood and adolescence, and then somehow emerge as a fully formed adult, who, as the collective narrative goes, are sensible, capable, grown-up, and invulnerable. The paradox is that we can end up defending the idea that we should be a perfect adult, at the cost of avoiding the vulnerable child within us, hidden beneath the surface of our experience. As we grew up, we sometimes experienced an aversion to difficulty as it helped to protect us and kept us safe and well at the time. Taking the same approach into adulthood does not always serve us well, as emotions remain unacknowledged and unresolved, they become stuck within us. Nothing changes when we hold onto aversion.
Like many acts of kindness in society, befriending a difficult experience can be a radical and courageous act. It is much easier to stick to how we have always dealt with things in the past. Befriending is about becoming intimate with, getting closer to, caring for, and being curious about our difficult thoughts and feelings, without becoming overwhelmed; like becoming our own caring and supportive parent.
In practice, befriending means becoming aware of and noticing times when we feel vulnerable. These could be emotions like anxiety, sadness, low mood, stress, frustration, or negative, depleting, and limiting thoughts about our self-worth or abilities. Ironically, when we strongly identify with our negative and limiting thoughts, moods, and emotions, we disown them, which is a form of emotional self-harm.
By befriending our unwanted and negative thoughts, emotions, moods, feelings, sensations, and behaviour, we engage in a closer, more intimate, caring, and compassionate relationship with ourselves. This helps resolve held emotions and creates a bit of space for joy to enter our lives. As we bring habitual patterns into a clearer view, we can discern between the patterns that support, enable, and expand our well-being and those that no longer serve us.
We can also bring the kindness and compassion of befriending the difficult people in our lives, making sure we hold no one as an enemy. Befriending does not mean that we become invulnerable to life’s challenges; there are times when we need to protect ourselves, using our own inner resources and wisdom. Using befriending as an attitude, we learn to embrace whatever enters our experience in a more heartfelt and fearless way, which enables our capacity to bring friendly openness, kindness, and compassion to the whole of our experience.
Suggested weekly practice
- Really notice times of low mood, irritability, annoyance, anxiety, or limitation, and befriend whatever thoughts, emotions, and feelings are around for you.
- Notice the situations, people, and things you habitually feel aversion toward and work on befriending them.
- See how many small acts of kindness you can make over the week. For instance, opening a door for others, being patient with people, really listening, giving someone positive feedback about doing a good job, or being the last out of a lift.
Guidance
Find somewhere undisturbed and sit in a comfortable, dignified, and upright posture, where you can remain alert and aware.
There are two guided practices for this session. You can close your eyes, or lower your gaze while the meditations play.
- Play the settling practice, then read through the session content
- Then play the second audio to explore befriending your experience
