Openness

In Through the Looking Glass, the sequel to Lewis Carroll’s influential novel Alice in Wonderland, Alice is astonished to find that she is able to step through a mirror into an alternative world. In the Looking Glass World, things are often reversed and upside-down, which makes Alice question her assumptions about what she’d previously considered normal.

Inspired by Lewis Carroll, in 1902, the American sociologist Charles Horton Cooley developed the concept of “The Looking Glass Self”, which explores how we shape our identity based on how we think other people see us. This theory is that we shape our sense of self, not from our own inner viewpoint, but from how we imagine we look to others; how other people may be judging us. Once our sense of self is formed, it becomes self-fulfilling and reinforced as we conform to how we imagine we’re being perceived. One way of exploring this is to notice the differences in your sense of self when you are by yourself, like walking in the woods with your dog, compared to a meeting at work, or a busy social situation. Interestingly, Cooley’s work was followed up almost 100 years later when neuroscientists discovered what are called mirror neurons in the brain, which allow us to model other people’s emotions, behaviour, and intentions in our own heads.

Every human experience brings together two things: the objective reality of whatever is happening in the moment and how we interpret and shape the experience through past habits, assumptions, judgements, and emotional reactions. So, using the looking-glass analogy, the mirror reflects the raw reality of a particular situation, but we look through our own overlay of what we see and believe. Another interesting test is when you look at your face in the mirror, is the way you see your face the same as a recent photograph, or different? As social animals, we’ve evolved to understand others and express ourselves so that we are also seen, heard, included, and connected, which is great when it works. But there’s a downside to this internal mirror-self we construct that can make us feel ignored, unnoticed, insecure, overly defensive, anxious, and unworthy. All of these deplete, limit, and lower our energy, mood, and access to inner resources. In a state like this, we’re unlikely to feel happy and perform at our best, which reinforces the self-fulfilling downward spiral.

So how can we be more aware of the power of our mirror-self, free from limitation and distortion, seeing the world and other people in a clearer, kinder, compassionate, and less judgemental of others and ourselves? The simple answer is to cultivate greater openness, allowing things to be as they already are, free from the limiting judgements and interpretations that we habitually impose.

Psychologists use a framework for measuring and describing human personality traits, which are Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism. What is known as the “Big Five personality trait model” is based on research into how people describe themselves. In this model, characteristics of high openness include curiosity, creativity, adaptability, broad interests, and being comfortable with novel ideas and the unknown. Low openness is seen as a preference for routines, the familiar, and conventional ideas, as well as limited interests.

Within mindfulness, openness means:

Embracing whatever arises, turning towards the pleasant or unpleasant with the same welcoming attitude
Being open to new possibilities of each moment, each person, and every situation you encounter
Using curiosity to explore new perspectives, insights, and ideas
Remaining alert to identifying with limiting thoughts and feelings, as they are not who you are
Having the courage, flexibility, and insight to let go of how you habitually defend yourself
Noticing and letting go of past patterns of thought, feelings, or behaviour that no longer serve you
Bringing self-compassion and kindness to yourself, rather than judgement and self-criticism

When you next find yourself feeling a bit limited and diminished, you may be inhabiting your mirror self – how you think other people see you. To break out of this habit, try opening your awareness to what’s going on, working skilfully with your experience with kindness and curiosity, then bringing an openness to the possibilities of this unique moment and seeing what difference that makes.

Suggested weekly practice

Use openness, kindness, and curiosity to explore the differences in your sense of self when you are by yourself, compared to a social situation, and see what insights emerge.
Whenever you judge yourself or others, bring openness, and see what difference that makes.
See if you can spend a day being open to new possibilities of each moment, each person, and situation you encounter.

Guidance
Find somewhere undisturbed and sit in a comfortable, dignified, and upright posture, where you can remain alert and aware.
There are two guided practices for this session. You can close your eyes, or lower your gaze while the meditations play.

Play the settling practice, then read through the session content, which you can print off if that helps.
Then play the second practice to explore and experience openness as you open and expand awareness in the present moment.

Self-talk

Most of us are familiar with our inner voice; we may be cleaning our teeth or taking a shower as we mull over the day’s activities or plan for the weekend. Self-talk is a term used to describe the inner monologue and mental chatter that occurs inside our heads, much like our own personal radio or smart speaker that is always on in the background, offering commentary on our lives. Interestingly, cognitive scientists recently found that some people lack inner speech. Although there are significant challenges in carrying out the research, as it relies on subjective self-reporting, which can be unreliable.

Self-talk has been there as far back as we can remember. In the 1920s, the Russian psychologist Lev Vygotsky observed young children talking to themselves as they played and proposed that over time, their private speech from social interactions starts to become internalised as inner speech by around four years of age. Once developed, the verbalised thought of inner speech becomes an immensely powerful tool, as it gives us the potential to be more aware of, and process thoughts, emotions, and behaviour that might have otherwise not been available to conscious experience.

Like anything powerful, self-talk can have positive and negative consequences. On the positive side, inner speech can help us make sense of and process what’s happening in the world around us. For instance, it can remind us to do something and help with planning and problem-solving.

A significant amount of our self-talk works below conscious awareness, which presents its own challenges. Like social media algorithms, the quality of anything that operates automatically tends to diminish over time, so it is more likely to show negative commentary. And when we automatically identify with what is said, as it’s always been part of who we are, our well-being becomes depleted.

Negative self-talk can be judgemental and make comparisons. It’s also the mechanism for rumination and worry. Studies reveal that people prone to depression and anxiety tend to have dominantly negative self-talk. Not surprisingly, people with more positive self-talk tend to be happier and more successful.

Researchers found that areas of the brain involved in physical speech, like the movement of the larynx and muscles around the mouth, are very slightly activated with self-talk. Inner speech does not always sound like a perfectly articulated voice in our heads. Often, it’s in a very shortened, condensed, and relatively silent form, before meaning takes place. For instance, you are lying in bed, hear the dustbin lorry, and realize that you forgot to put the bins out the night before, and hear “bins” as self-talk that says enough in the context.

Like emotions, self-talk is not a particularly dependable guide to what’s going on in our experience. Thoughts are not facts and do not have to be believed. In addition, like the difference between the map and the terrain, thoughts are not the same as the real world “out there”. We interpret the world through our thoughts that often filter, bias, and limit what we actually see and hear.

As well as inner monologue, we can sometimes revert to private speech, for instance, muttering “I’m so useless” under our breath. Thoughts have no power in themselves; it’s when we strongly identify with them that they become amplified. Verbalising negative thoughts gives them even more power. You may have come across the following saying that’s attributed to Lao Tzu, the ancient Chinese philosopher:

‘Watch your thoughts, they become words; watch your words, they become actions; watch your actions, they become habits; watch your habits, they become character; watch your character, for it becomes your destiny’.

Neuroscience confirms that the brain wires its pathways to match how we interpret the world around us, including the thoughts we entertain. Thoughts can trigger emotions, which lead to behaviour. The well-trodden pathways in the brain become our unconscious habit patterns.

Being mindful of self-talk does not mean we try to suppress it. Instead, we learn to become more aware of, discerning, accepting, kind, and compassionate with our inner chatter. Noting the difference between thoughts that are negative, limiting, or depleting and positive, expansive, and nurturing is a useful skill. Simply observing the thought just as it is is enough to change our negative self-talk habits. Through these approaches, we can also gain insights into whether the self-talk is useful or no longer serves us. Ultimately, by being mindful of our self-talk, we can break negative habits and make changes in our overall happiness, well-being, and effectiveness in the world.

Suggested weekly practice

Use curiosity to become more aware of your thoughts and notice whether they serve you or not.
Note the difference between self-talk that is negative, limiting or depleting, or positive, expansive, and nurturing.
Challenge negative self-talk by seeing whether it’s true or an opinion. If it’s a worrying thought, see if it is exaggerating what may happen and remember that things do not always turn out the way we expected

Guidance

Find somewhere undisturbed and sit in a comfortable, dignified and upright posture, where you can remain alert and aware.
There are two guided practices for this session. You can close your eyes, or lower your gaze while the meditations play.

Play the first settling practice, then read through the session content, which you can print off if that helps.
Then play the second practice to explore self-talk with curiosity, openness, patience, kindness and beginner’s mind.

Patience

If you drive in a city, you have probably experienced waiting at a traffic light, not moving off the millisecond the lights change, and being hooted at by the impatient driver behind. For whatever reason, the driver cannot wait, and we are in their way. We share this planet with over 8 billion other people, so we all must wait at some point: waiting for the train, at the dentist, or at the supermarket checkout. The trouble is, that the world we live in today is built around pace, meeting deadlines, and getting things done. Interestingly, research on Internet speeds shows that people start to lose patience after as little as a two-second delay. Living at a faster pace may mean we accomplish more, but when we are forced to wait, we can become irritated, frustrated, and even anxious, which builds up tension and stress in our bodies.

Patience is the ability to accept having to wait, be delayed or face setbacks without reacting. This means being more aware of what’s going on and working skilfully with thoughts and emotions that arise in the present moment. When we’re unaware, our options are limited, so we’re more likely to react automatically. Practising patience is often a more skilful response.

So why is it that we find waiting such an unpleasant experience? The simple answer is that we have not learned to practise a deeper level of patience. Impatience is our mind’s way of leaning into the future; getting to the next moment, as if that moment is somehow more important and meaningful than our experience now. Impatience is a form of aversion, a desire to get rid of something. It’s also about resisting our experience, as we feel uncomfortable in the here and now.

As well as waiting, we can also feel impatient when we are working on something, driven by anxiety about the need to complete whatever it is, rather than accepting and enjoying the ongoing process. Our intolerance of accepting delay is a good indicator of our tendency to live in a projected future in our heads.

Areas in our lives where we can feel impatient include:

Communication: For example, interrupting others mid-sentence instead of letting them finish what is being said
Daily activities: For example, a slower-than-expected service in a busy restaurant
Technology: For example, not waiting for a slow web page to load properly
Travelling: For example, being caught in traffic
Relationships: For example, rushing to judgement without hearing the full story
Personal growth: For example, giving up on new hobbies, diets, or projects when results are not immediate

So how can we cultivate patience?

Here are some tips on improving patience as a skill:

Be more aware of situations that test your patience, notice feelings and thoughts of discomfort, irritation, annoyance, or anger before they really take hold, using curiosity to explore the emotions and physical sensations you’re experiencing.
Use each situation where you feel impatient as an opportunity to practise patience and see what difference that makes.
Is the situation really intolerable? Are you making exaggerated assumptions about how unpleasant the situation really is? When you are in a situation that challenges your patience, take a moment to really explore how uncomfortable it really is. Is this really about delaying you from future moments? Are the future moments any different from your present experience?
Become more aware of the tendency of your attention to drift off in thought, imagining what you may be doing in a future moment, rather than connecting with your actual lived experience in the present.
Pause, take a deep breath, accept the reality of the situation, and open your awareness to the surprisingly rich experience that this moment holds.

Mindfulness is about working skilfully with your present-moment experience. Patience is one of these skills that can be learned and developed. When we’re impatient we can experience anxiety, anger, and stress, which are not skilful responses that serve others or ourselves.

By developing patience, we also cultivate other skills of acceptance, openness, awareness, and kindness. When we practise patience, we reduce anxiety, anger, and stress and improve our relationships. So, by practising patience, we move towards a healthier, happier, and easier life.

Suggested weekly practice

Notice when you feel impatient during the week and instead bring patience.
Be curious about the situations that make you feel impatient.
Be aware of the habitual impulse to want to get to the next moment, as this one is unsatisfying and not good enough

Guidance
Find somewhere undisturbed and sit in a comfortable, dignified and upright posture, where you can remain alert and aware.
There are two guided practices for this session. You can close your eyes, or lower your gaze while the meditations play.

Play the settling practice, then read through the session content, which you can print off if that helps.
Then play the second audio to explore reacting and responding, as well as experiencing a calm, open, and alert state to respond skilfully to your experience.

Mindful relationships

On Valentine’s Day, exchanging cards or gifts with loved ones is traditional. Interestingly, the rate of couples getting married or cohabiting has declined in many countries. Since the 1970s in the US, marriage has dropped by 60 percent, and the marriage rate has fallen in around 90 percent of the world’s population.

Relationships are one of the most complex areas of our lives that we ever have to manage and are where we have the most to learn in refining our skills. Important relationships include our life partners, family, friends, people in our community, work colleagues, customers, and business partners. It is also worth considering the relationship you have with yourself.

One of the main reasons that humans survived and thrived through thousands of years of evolution is that we worked together, divided up tasks, and communicated with and supported each other. We’re fundamentally social animals, wired to collaborate for mutual advantage. Evolutionary psychologists say that language developed out of our need to work together, and that communication plays an important role in human emotion. For instance, when our ancestors got angry, they sent out a clear signal that they were not to be taken advantage of by others in the social group.

We now have an overwhelming choice of communication channels and devices, through smartphones and social media apps. However, our fundamental modes of relating to each other at a human level are the same as when we lived as hunter-gatherers over 60,000 years ago. When applied to relationships, mindfulness provides a set of attitudes and skills that work with this same fundamental nature of what it means to be human.

Here are nine ways that mindfulness can make a difference in our relationships:

1. Engaging the full human being: When we’re in contact with someone every day we don’t always fully acknowledge the person in front of us – as they are at that moment. Our brains have a habit of filtering out the familiar, so we can easily have conversations with people who are almost cardboard cut-outs. One approach to engaging the full human being you’re facing is to ask yourself “Who’s in front of me now?” with curiosity, open awareness, and kindness.

2. Kindness, empathy, and compassion: Sometimes we forget that other people have complex inner lives just like our own. Feeling empathy and bringing kindness to others makes a world of difference to our relationships. Also, bringing kindness and compassion to ourselves when we make a mistake or feel that we could have done better. Relationships are so much easier when we feel good about ourselves.

3. Acknowledging emotions: Bring mindful awareness to your own emotions, as well as the feelings of others. For instance, noticing when your partner is feeling sad or frustrated, and bringing understanding, kindness, empathy, and compassion.

4. Listening: Rather than focusing our attention on what’s being said, we’re often busy rehearsing our own response in our heads. Also, we could be multi-tasking on emails or on our smartphone, when someone’s speaking to us. To really listen – stop what you are doing and bring the focus of your attention to the sound of the speaker’s voice. When you come to your senses, your attention will always be in the present moment.

5. Speaking: We tend to speak in reaction to what other people say, rather than pausing and considering a more relevant and skilful response that serves us and others. Speaking with a calm and slightly slower voice creates some space and helps to reduce misunderstanding, stress, and potential conflict.

6. Acceptance: Accepting people just as they are, rather than how we think they should be.

7. Appreciation and gratitude: Taking a moment to fully appreciate how much we depend on others in our lives and feeling a sense of gratitude for the support and help we receive.

8. Non-judging: We tend to automatically judge people, over-generalize, make assumptions, and compare ourselves with others as either superior or inferior. When we judge, we limit ourselves as well as other people. Non-judging means being more aware of our judgemental thoughts and how we automatically identify with them, being more open, and letting go of fixed ideas about who and what people are.

9. Patience: Rather than rushing to the next moment, or getting frustrated, we can be more patient and understanding with the people in our lives.

It’s relatively easy to practise mindfulness while walking in the woods and much more difficult in a complex social situation. Mindfulness transforms how we relate to our experience, which in turn helps us improve our relationships with others, as well as with ourselves. And with better relationships, we’re more likely to live with greater ease, health, and happiness.

Suggested weekly practice

When you are interacting with people you know really well, try asking yourself “Who’s in front of me now?” with open awareness and kindness and see what insights emerge.
When you speak with others, explore listening to your own voice with openness and curiosity.
Really appreciate how much we depend on others in our lives and feel a sense of gratitude for the support and help we receive.

Guidance
Find somewhere undisturbed and sit in a comfortable, dignified, and upright posture, where you can remain alert and aware. There are two guided practices for this session. You can close your eyes or lower your gaze while the meditations play.

Play the first settling practice, then read through the session content, which you can print off if that helps.
Then play the second practice to explore loving-kindness and compassion.

Mindful Communication

Apart from humans, bottlenose dolphins have the most sophisticated communication, using a combination of vocal sounds like whistles and clicks, and body language. They vocalize emotions, use whistles as individual names, and communicate about their environment. Dolphins also interact across species and can mimic the sounds of humans and other animals.

The ability to communicate was a defining development of human evolution, leading to the growth of our larger brains to support conversation and thinking using language. Humans are social animals, so the quality of communication at work and in our personal lives is fundamental to our well-being and that of those around us.

Unfortunately, we are not born with a life manual on how to communicate well. Apart from learning a language, we are not explicitly taught how to communicate effectively as we grow up. Similar to becoming a parent, communication is one of those many things that we end up learning by doing, sometimes making mistakes, and then adapting. Consider for a moment, just how much time in a typical day we’re either receiving or sending information. We’re not only in conversation with other people; we also watch TV, listen to the radio, read, and respond to social media and emails – so typically we communicate for many hours a day.

Good communication involves attention and awareness. Without awareness of ourselves and others, it is no wonder the world sometimes appears full of different interpretations and conflicts. Although it can be relatively easy to walk, eat, or wash up mindfully, given how important communication is, it is ironic how difficult it is to remain mindful when we are engaged in conversation with another human being. So why is this?

One reason is that we can become self-conscious. In other words, our attention and awareness turn inwards as we identify with limiting thoughts and feelings about ourselves, or with the negative judgements that we assume other people are making about us. Being self-conscious is something everyone experiences when we’re out of our comfort zone and is quite natural. For instance, we’re more likely to be self-conscious in situations like a job interview or speaking to a large audience. Self-awareness works at another level, with more space and freedom of movement. So if we experience negative thoughts or feelings, we notice and acknowledge them as they arise, without automatically identifying with them.

Another reason is that when we are awake our powerful minds are always online; like a proactive super-computer serving interpretations, associations, learning, spotting patterns, and prompting our own conversational response. It is interesting that the average person listens at a rate between 400-600 words per minute and speaks at 125 words per minute, which leaves loads of time for the mind to wander.

Mindful communication means:

Remaining in the present moment
Aware of thoughts arising without letting our attention be diverted away from the act of communicating
Aware of feelings as they arise without letting them de-stabilize who we are in the moment
Aware of and grounded in our body – without becoming self-conscious
Truly connecting with the other person and giving them our full attention

When another person is speaking:

Actively listening to the sound of their voice
Connecting with them as a whole person with a complex inner life just like your own
Letting go of any judgemental thoughts that may arise
Bringing patience, openness, curiosity, and kindness

When you’re speaking:

Speaking from the “best of yourself” – from a stable, open and aware position
Being kind and authentic
Making a conscious effort to bring out the best in someone else – being generous with genuine gratitude and appreciation

We can continually improve the quality of our communication throughout our lives. Bringing mindful awareness to how we communicate helps us to learn faster. It also gives us the wisdom, space, and freedom to be much more skilful in how we communicate.

Suggested weekly practice

Pay special attention to situations where you communicate with ease and when communication is difficult and see what insights emerge about thoughts, feelings and whether you were open, kind, stable, and balanced.
Try simply listening to the sound of someone’s voice without evaluating what is being said.
Be aware of the judgements, interpretations, and limiting beliefs that arise in your own mind, but also in the minds of others.

Play the settling practice, then read the session content, which you can print off if that helps.
Then play the second one to explore mindful communication.