Feeling safe, valued, and loved is essential for our mental and emotional well-being. At the heart of this is our level of self-worth, how we feel about and value ourselves. Before we explore self-worth, it’s useful to look at what we mean by a self in the first place.
All animals are self-aware of their bodies through the sense of proprioception. This is vital for survival, for staying alert to threats, finding food, and finding a mate in the natural world. Not all animals recognise themselves in a mirror, so they do not have what is considered a sophisticated sense of self like humans.
As humans, we then add all sorts of mind-based content on top of our physical selves. For instance, our roles, relationships, life stage, beliefs, personal narratives, likes and dislikes, how we view our body, our values, and how we value ourselves. Of course, we also carry emotional content, often from the past, which reflects our personality type. For instance, outgoing and friendly, anxious and cautious, etc.
Scientists say that no one area of the brain relates to a sense of “I” or “me.” We tend to think of and experience “self” as a single thing and reference ourselves in our thoughts, speech, and behaviour every day, but if there’s no central area in the body or brain for the self, what is it?
We know that we are made up of a range of different things, including a living, aware body; thoughts, beliefs, and memories; feelings and emotions; sense perceptions; possessions; roles and relationships. Like the phrase, “The whole is more than the sum of the parts”, there is no single defining thing, but a set of properties that emerge as our sense of self, like a wave on the surface of the sea that arises through a combination of tides, winds, and the flow of the water. So, given that our sense of self is emergent, it’s no surprise that, like a wave, we sometimes rise and fall emotionally, as “who we are” dynamically changes throughout the day.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) proposes three aspects of self that are useful for exploring self-worth.
These are:
- Self-as-content (e.g., roles, beliefs, and narratives)
- Self-as-process (the flowing, dynamic responses)
- Self-as-context (The aware space where you experience changing thoughts, emotions, and sensations).
Many of us are not consciously aware of our self-worth (self-as-context). or what causes it to rise and fall (self-as-process). We all experience times when our self-worth takes a boost and we feel on top of the world, and other times when we feel unworthy, ignored, or unnoticed, which lowers our self-worth. Our self-worth drops when we entertain and identify with negative, judgemental thoughts, especially when our mind wanders (self-as-content). With social media, we are prone to comparing and judging ourselves with the often-unrealistic ways that others present their carefully curated, perfect lives. Often, the most powerful drain is our past experiences of low self-worth from childhood and adolescence, for instance, not feeling worthy of love. These feelings can resonate and become re-energized by what we experience in the present (self-as-context and self-as-process).
Self-worth is not about your status, income, popularity, age, or attractiveness (self-as-content). What we value about each other are characteristics like friendliness, openness, kindness, compassion, and respect for others. Someone can easily be rich, young, and attractive and have none of these characteristics.
We also unconsciously strive to protect our self-worth by avoiding or reacting to life experiences that may threaten it (self-as-process). For example, procrastination is often a way of protecting our self-worth from imagined failure. If we never get around to doing something, then we can’t fail by trying. A lot of self-defeating behaviour, like anxiety, can be traced back to unconsciously defending our self-worth.
So how can we consciously nurture and cultivate unconditional self-worth, not dependent on the reassurance of others, and unconsciously protected?
We can develop the awareness to notice negative and limiting thoughts (self-as-content), as well as unhelpful feelings that resonate from our past and are not serving this moment (self-as-context).
We can also cultivate resilient and enduring self-worth by knowing that:
- Whatever limitations and challenges we encounter, they do not define who we are
- We are always more than the sum of the parts
- We are worthy of being valued, respected, and loved
- We are capable of deep feelings of kindness, compassion, love, and joy
Our levels of self-worth and well-being are closely interconnected. Being more aware of how our self-worth can change and accepting ourselves as we are with kindness and compassion can make a real difference in our happiness and well-being.
Suggested weekly practice
- Check your self-worth temperature at the beginning of the day. This can be a simple check, for instance, like checking the temperature of a shower or bath. Is your self-worth strong and resilient, or has it recently been challenged by your perception of some situation or event?
- See if you can notice when your self-worth drops. Explore what the trigger was, as well as acknowledge the emotions and feelings that arose in the body.
- Noticing when you protect your self-worth, especially if this is about avoiding someone or something. Really explore what happened, including the thoughts and beliefs, feelings, and behaviours, and see what insights emerge.
Guidance
Find somewhere undisturbed and sit in a comfortable, dignified, and upright posture, where you can remain alert and aware.
There are two guided practices for this session. You can close your eyes or lower your gaze while the meditations play.
- Play the settling practice, then read the session content, which you can print off if that helps.
- Then play the second audio to explore and experience your self-worth.